dawn: adventures of a journeywoman

10...9...8...7...6...5...4...

No, I'm not about to launch into space (though sometimes it may feel that way). I am in a period of waiting for Match Day. Match Day takes place every third Thursday of March. At noon EST, 9am PST, graduating medical students around the country open their envelopes containing a piece of paper that states the name of the place they will be completing their internship and residency for the next 3-7 years of their lives. This is often followed by tears (of joy or sorrow) screaming, hugs, and jumping up and down for approximately 20 minutes afterward. The name inside the fated envelope is final-there is no more shimmying with the result, schmoozing, accepting, or rejecting at this point. That name will be the place all senior medical students answer to beginning July 1. My time to engage in this unique experience is quickly approaching. Today I am at four in my countdown days.

Waiting for such a seemingly big word in the next step of my life has not been easy. Every tick of the clock, every new buzz of my alarm clock, and every stroke of my toothbrush at the end of a day signifies that I am that much closer in my approach, but still haven't arrived at the fated Match Day.

On the last day of the Christian Medical and Dental Education conference in Kenya, I had a stimulating conversation with four veteran physician missionaries over lunch. We were discussing why there is a paucity of young people pursuing long-term mission work today. Engagement in international short-term missions (often averaging 1.5 weeks, but often defined as less than one year) has exploded in recent years, while long-term mission careers have not been ignited by this. One physician assistant who has spent over twenty years in rural Zambia and Kenya thought that the root was a lack of trust and belief in a loving God. At first I reacted against this-many note that the worldwide evangelical Christian church has experienced unprecedented growth in the last generation. But from her perspective-many young people have volunteered alongside her in short-term trips and express a genuine desire for long-term missions. What stops them? Questions of God's provision. Can I trust that the God who placed a desire to work overseas will care for my parents and family at home? Does God love me enough to keep me safe in a place with rumors of war? Can I trust God to care for my needs for intimacy? (She noted that many of the young women she knows are often faced with a choice between marrying someone who does not share their faith or desire for international service. In her experience, the fear of losing the significant relationship and doubt that another one will come along later leads many to choose marriage and "give up" their "calling" for missions).

Secondly, my group noted, we now live in an instantaneous culture. If I want to know why a portrait of St. Francis of Assisi has a dalmatian in it, I can pull out a smartphone and get the answer within seconds. (By the way, I found out that St. Francis of Assisi is known as the patron saint of nature and animals, in case you were wondering too. On his feast day (October 4), many Catholic churches hold pet blessing ceremonies). To contemplate a career that takes years of preparation and years of service is difficult in this milieu. Gone are the days where missionaries packed their coffins with them on their long seaward journey, with the knowledge that they would likely not return. In 2010, I can leave the Nairobi airport at midnight and be back in my apartment by noon. It is no longer necessary to think long-term, since travel, solutions, and communication have become relatively instantaneous.

Lastly, the veteran missionaries felt that my generation has grown up in a culture that lacks commitment. On average, the previous generation held 10.8 jobs between age 18-42 (Bureau of Labor Statistics) and this number is mostly likely increasing. Fourty-three percent of marriages in America will end in the first 15 years (National Center for Health Statistics). These and many other indicators seem to point to the feeling that "nothing is forever" and "I can always change my mind". Especially in a society with so many options-not just for cereal and careers, but for relationships as well. Two generations ago, most people's circle of friends was the people in their neighborhood. Their social group was largely limited by geography. They could expect to be in community for several decades with the people in their small town (perhaps around twenty to forty whom they would call friend). Today, according to Facebook, I have 485 friends around the world that I can keep up with-reading their blogs, watching videos of their babies, seeing photos of them riding camels on their latest travels, and reading their one-line tweets about the most tasty part of their lunch. Where previous generations had depth in her relationships (and little choice), I have greater bredth, but certainly not the same depth. Yet I was the one who had the freedom to pick friends in which I have many things in common. It is hard to be committed to anything, especially others, in a world where I can anonymously de-friend someone.

Yet even with all of this stimulating discussion, I still feel myself drawn to this life. Surrounded by others who have gone before me in this journey I seek made me awestruck...and anxious. In my instantaneous bent (whether by nature or culture), I want to know how long. How long until I join these great saints in service in the far corners of the earth? It sometimes feels like I have waited for so long to officially begin this career. Four years of undergraduate studies, four years of medical school, and a year of a masters degree after first considering this path, I now realize that the path begins still further from where I am. I must still complete four years of residency and two years of completing my board certification. When will the waiting end?

Perhaps that is what makes this next week of waiting all the more painful. I know it is not the first nor the final period of waiting. In fact, one person in my small group noted that everyone she knows is in a period of waiting for something. Perhaps we are all bouncing in and out of times of waiting. What do you find yourself waiting for? The Bible is filled with stories of saints who endured times of waiting (and many of them were much longer than the ones I currently face!) Moses tended sheep and waited in the desert for forty years before beginning his calling to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt. Joseph waited for seven years in slavery and seven years in prison before beginning his calling to aid Egypt with its upcoming drought. Sarah waited over eighty years before beginning her calling as the wife of the father of nations (namely having a child). "How long?" is a question echoed from the first to last words of scripture by men and women.

To endure a period of waiting may take many of the counter-cultural leaps one must also make to become a full-time missionary. There must be an element of trust in the goodness of God-that the waiting is not forever, not in vain, and all we need will be provided in this place. Waiting defies our instantaneous desires. In fact, this can be the most frustrating thing about waiting-not receiving what we want when we want it and being willing to surrender to the process, even when we don't know how long it will last. And for any of this to spur us on to greater growth instead of despair, we need commitment. We need the commitment of human friends to bear with us and the best waiting takes place under a relationship with God that desires to grow deeper no matter the cost. Waiting for change reminds us that this world is not the way it was intended, that something is wrong that needs to be fixed, and that we were made to wait, become, and help create something better.

As I look at the clock again and realize this week's waiting period is growing shorter, I realize this posture of anticipation not something to merely endure. Instead it is a practice for the many other periods of waiting to come. May whatever you find yourself waiting for in this season, come about with new areas of growth and surprises of joy.

"I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.'
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD." Lamentations 3: 24-26